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I opened my eyes, sleepily. Looked straight ahead. Down the hall. Confused. “Who’s the mom?” That’s the first thing that came to my mind. My mind. Mine.
Everything looked somewhat familiar, but I couldn’t place anything. I had the sense of belonging, but I didn’t know how I belonged. What was my role? Who was I?
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I opened my eyes, sleepily. Looked straight ahead. Down the hall. Confused. “Who’s the mom?” That’s the first thing that came to my mind. My mind. Mine.
Everything looked somewhat familiar, but I couldn’t place anything. I had the sense of belonging, but I didn’t know how I belonged. What was my role? Who was I?
He put his hands around my neck, gently pressing his thumbs into a notch of my throat. Demonstrating how someone feels when being choked. He asked me if I felt it. I tried to nod. I froze. He was supposed to be an ally. I came to him for help.
I couldn’t breathe. It didn’t make any sense until my therapist asked me a simple question that made me realize that finding my voice meant losing my breath.
What will truly be the hardest days are yet to come. My weight gain, in part, was a defense mechanism against future sexual assaults. My rational brain knows that rape and sexual assault isn’t about sex, but rather about control, but my irrational brain tells me that if I’m undesirable, I’m safe. This may be why it was so hard to lose three pounds. And, this is why my therapist and I will have a lot of work to do as I start losing the weight. I’m ready to take back control.
I couldn’t sleep.
I had just received a letter in the mail, one that I had been waiting for, for almost 18 months. And, the day had finally arrived.
Popcorn almost destroyed my marriage. Seriously, it did. And, we’d only been married for a few short months. We just celebrated our 32nd anniversary on June 5th, so you know what? Popcorn didn’t win!
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