Setting Boundaries | It's Me Laura Lee

July 4, 2019

8 Tips To Help You Set Boundaries And Keep Them!

I’ve never been very good at selfcare. It was a foreign concept to me. Or, more precisely, I considered being compliant with my medication and making it to my appointments as selfcare. And, while they are just two components – selfcare is so much more.  The old adage “work hard – play hard” just didn’t seem to jive with me. I worked hard. I worked hard all the time. I regularly worked more than 20 hours a week overtime. And then, I’d come home and crash.  Setting boundaries and selfcare go hand-in-hand.

It wasn’t until I worked at the VA that one particular friend, Tiffani, would call out to me. “selfcare Laura, SELFCARE!”

 

BOUNDARIES

That’s it. That’s what she’d say. She didn’t elaborate. I just shrugged it off. She was one who didn’t work overtime unless it was mandated. She worked hard, putting in her time between the hours of 8:00 AM and 4:30 PM – and then she was gone. It wasn’t unusual for her to float the river on a Tuesday afternoon. I can remember telling her how I didn’t know how she did it. I was exhausted by the time I got home and thanked God that my husband did the cooking – so I could nap on the couch while supper was being prepared.

Tiffani might as well have been shouting, “BOUNDARIES!”

 

The truth is, that I worked myself to the point of exhaustion whereas Tiffani, who isn’t much older than my son, knew how to create boundaries and more importantly, kept them.

A couple of years later, all the extra hours I put in didn’t matter. I was being terminated – wrongfully, after being a whistleblower. I even ended up on the front page of the New York Times on New Year’s Day 2018.

It was then, that I realized that Tiffani had the right idea.

 

EXHAUSTION

I was so exhausted that it was all I could do to advocate for myself. I relied heavily on my family, friends, and my therapist and my attorney – both amazingly wonderful humans by the way, to pick up the slack. Often calling one or both of them in tears. As much as I was grateful for everyone in my life at that time, I needed to start taking care of ME.

I remember calling Becky, my therapist at the time, bawling. You know, the kind of bawling you do when you’re heaving, your lip is quivering, and no one can understand a word you’re saying. I hadn’t slept in days. Literally – days. She quite simply asked me if I had any lavender essential oil. That question alone calmed me. “Yes. In fact, yes, I do.”

She instructed me to make my bedroom as cool as I could and to put the lavender in the diffuser. Then, I was to take a shower – as hot as I could possibly stand it, and then put on clean pajamas, douse myself with more lavender and crawl into bed.

It worked. Lavender essential oil is good for relaxation and anxiety, and the cooling of our bodies naturally prepares us for sleep. So, as I started to dry after the shower, the process of evaporation cooled my body temperature. I’m sure there was some psychology at play too – Becky was ‘giving me permission to sleep.’

 

Sleeping with Cricket by my side

DO WE DESERVE SELFCARE?

I still hesitated to call this ‘selfcare’. I think mostly, because on some level, I didn’t think I deserved it. Here’s the thing though – we can’t pour out from an empty cup. In other words, we can’t give what we don’t have. I can’t support my family or my friends, emotionally, if I have nothing left to give because I didn’t fill up my cup.

Have you ever flown and wondered why, if the plane loses cabin pressure, you’re instructed to put on your mask first before you help those around you? Think about it for a second. If you’re traveling with an infant or a toddler – or both, you may be tempted to get their masks on first. As moms we’re programmed to think about our children first, so it makes sense, right? NO!

If you struggle and fumble during a time of panic to get the mask on the kiddos, you may likely pass out from lack of oxygen before ANYONE gets a mask on. So, you put your mask on first, so you’re fully capable of assisting those around you. You can’t give what you don’t have.

Now, I have several ways and several rituals that I use as part of my selfcare toolbox. They include meditation, breathing exercises, naps (can I just say, I love a good nap?), staying med compliant, keeping my appointments, getting the right amount of sleep, exercising, using lavender and other essential oils, creating time for DIY, etc., and creating time to nurture relationships. I’m also getting ready to hire a housekeeper, because I find that while I love and thrive in a clean house, I don’t enjoy the act of cleaning as much as I used to enjoy it. Yes, I used to enjoy cleaning. Hiring someone else frees up the time and energy for me to put into other projects.

 

SETTING BOUNDARIES

Do you know how to set boundaries?

Here are some tips to set boundaries and keep them:

  1. Know your limits. You can’t set boundaries if you don’t first know what those boundaries are. So, identify them – coworkers, family, friends, acquaintances, strangers. We should have boundaries with all of them.
  2. Identify your feelings. If you start having negative feelings – anxiety, stress, sadness, guilt, etc., during an interaction, it might be that the interaction is crossing a boundary.
  3. Learn how to be direct. Beating around the bush is something we often do because we’re afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. Remember that you’re not responsible for how someone else feels. They have to own their own feelings.
  4. Be assertive. There’s a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Being assertive means that you can actively state your needs without attacking the other person. And, remember, “No” is a complete sentence.
  5. Give yourself permission. I needed Becky’s permission to sleep. In doing so, she was telling me that it was safe to sleep. That’s a whole other story, but we can learn to give ourselves permission – and that we deserve to have the boundaries that we’re setting. Setting boundaries is not mean.
  6. Preserve your boundaries with practice. Setting boundaries and keeping them are two different beasts. It takes practice to preserve the boundaries we’ve set. As with any skill, the more we practice, the better at it we’ll become.
  7. Ask for help. If you’re having difficulty with preserving boundaries, ask for help and get support. You can get help from a therapist, or even friends and family (if they’re mindful and respectful of your boundaries). Friends and family can help with validation when you’re feeling weak or taken advantage of.
  8. Selfcare – Setting boundaries is one form of selfcare, but as with most skills, they build upon each other. So, create time and space to be taking care of yourself in other ways, too. Eat right, get enough sleep, meditate, pray, practice your breathing, keep a gratitude journal, make time for family and friends, and make time for creativity.

 

The comments +

  1. Joanne says:

    Overworking until the point of exhaustion is never good for anyone and will negatively affect both work and family life balance! Great Tips!

  2. Congratulations on finding your own boundaries. It’s the only way to live!!

  3. Boundaries are difficult to establish at first (especially if people aren’t used to you standing up for yourself) but get easier with time! You just have to stick with it.

  4. Cynthia says:

    Great tips on setting up boundaries. Another take away for me was the way you were able to calm yourself down to rest with the hot and cold bath water and lavender. Thanks for sharing.

  5. Candy K says:

    Thanks for the great tips! I think we all need reminding every now and then.

  6. Boundaries are so valuable and imperative to our well-being. I’m glad you finally found a way to put some in place!

  7. Boundaries are so important. I enjoyed life more once I stopped saying yes to everyone.

  8. Nikki says:

    This is such an important message. Setting boundaries is the 1st in the line of self care. Over the last 3-4 years I have learned to set boundaries and it has gone a long way in taking care of myself

  9. Tiffany says:

    I need to remember these – I need to set more boundaries and adhere to them -thats the hard part!

  10. Suzan says:

    I remember when my daughter was very small, 2-3 yrs old, she said as I was leaving for my daily yoga practice, “Mommy, your always leaving”. I replied, “Yes it may seem that way, but my practice makes me a better Mommy to you”. Thank you for bringing boundaries to the discussion!

  11. Margaret says:

    Thank you for the wonderful tips. I think that there are many times when we need to be reminded about setting boundaries. It’s important for us and our well-being.

  12. Sian says:

    This is such an important topic. I want to make time for meditation, we actually have sessions at work now once a week so I’m going to start there.

  13. Haley Kelley says:

    Setting boundaries is so important for our mental and emotional health and I love how you put it into words!

  14. Kendra says:

    Boundaries are so important for both mental and physical health! Glad you were able to take time for you.

  15. Yes, so important to remember self care. And I love that you said, “No is a complete sentence.” I never thought about it that way but YES! No one needs an explanation!

  16. April says:

    Self care is so important but I do think it takes a lot of practice. Especially for moms.

  17. I love the idea of lavender! It really is calming!

  18. This is hard for me, too. I have the greatest excuses…. I have 7 kids to care for, I’m a single parent. Who else is going to cook or go to the school meetings or patch up skinned knees or keep track of teen social media or……
    Boundaries is the key! That is the best self care I can afford right now.
    “You know what? There are 4 teens here who can put a bandaid on your knee.” Hey (any teen), would you please make dinner tonight (even if it’s mac and cheese out of a box).” “No, you’ll need to pick another time for the meeting because I need to be there and I can’t be there at that time.” A million little times that I remember to say no or help me makes my life SO much better!

  19. Self-care and boundary setting go hand in hand. Thanks for sharing your learnings! So helpful!

  20. Cindy says:

    This is so important! Setting boundaries and caring for ourselves is essential to physical, mental and emotional health. Way to take care of you!

  21. I’m currently struggling to set boundaries with my husband. I’m having all those negative feelings you mentioned. I feel like I’ve done everything you’ve mentioned but I feel trapped…

  22. Heather says:

    As I have aged, I have become better with setting boundaries, but with many things, I am a work in progress.

  23. T.M. Brown says:

    Boundaries actually enable me to be more productive. It’s the self care part that’s causing me issues ~ lol. Me time?? LOL!

  24. […] have, but may not have realized it.  You may have a toxic friend now.  It’s time to set up boundaries.  But first you need to learn how to both evaluate a friendship and recognize whether it’s a […]

  25. […] an uncertain future, a crisis, or unexpected setback are natural reasons to be fearful. Even so, setting healthy boundaries can put limits on how much of an impact fear has. Even the most stressful and fearful situations […]

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