Some of us have a hard time saying, ‘no.' Here's how to embrace the beautiful no – part 1.
TEN REASONS WHY TO EMBRACE ‘NO'
My youngest daughter, Cassy, had just turned 18 when she got the full-time job. At the same time, she was attending school at a conservatory full-time and she took on collateral duties at work, was often called in at the last minute when someone else called off sick, was nannying for a local family every afternoon, and was volunteering for a local organization. All this right after graduating from a prestigious boarding school for the arts in Michigan….Interlochen Arts Academy.
She moved to NYC at 18 all by herself. And, now, while she loved the city, her jobs, her volunteer work, and her friends, she was feeling the stress and was calling me. She usually handled stress really well – juggling ALL. THE. THINGS.
Rather than say “no” to any of these commitments, Cassy kept saying, “yes.” As a big event at work came closer and closer…one that involved high end clientele (think television and movie celebrities) she was barely managing her life. Then, I visited, bringing two Ragdoll kittens with me to keep her company. She didn't say anything to me at the time, but she eventually broke down. She couldn’t imagine adding another responsibility. And, the kittens were a handful.
I gently pointed out to Cassy that she had “overspent her yeses”. I explained, “Your ‘yes’ is how you spend your time, your energy, and your money. You only have a limited number of yeses to give.”
I gave her permission to rehome the kittens and even helped her find a home where they could be together.
She gave my words some more thought and decided she needed to step back and say no more often. Along the way, she discovered some exciting benefits of embracing her beautiful “no”…
I know that wives of PTSD vets undergo unique pressures, including extreme stress, anxiety, and depression caring for their husbands. You never know when your partner might explode emotionally or physically. You may be avoiding places and people in lieu of staying home to take care of your partner and home. Sound familiar? Take the quiz below to evaluate where you are emotionally and find resources.
NO PROTECTS YOU FROM BURNOUT
When you say yes to everything else, you have to say no to your own needs and wants. That means sometimes your priorities end up falling to the bottom. If this happens continually, eventually you’ll start feeling resentful, grumpy, and tired.
NO EARNS RESPECT
People don't respect a pushover they can bully. They might like a pushover, and they may enjoy getting you to do things for them (especially if these are their tasks to begin with). But they don't actually respect and admire you.
Yet a funny thing happens when you say no, you earn the respect of those around you. They recognize that you have your priorities and your values. That instantly makes them admire you. They’re less likely to try to intimidate you or push you around.
NO LETS YOU FOCUS ON YOUR VALUES
When you say “no”, there's space to focus on your value. If you constantly agree to helping on twelve different committees, then you’re saying no to spending more time with your friends, boyfriend, or husband and family. Now if what you value is intimacy with your husband or quality time with your children, then you’re saying “no” to your values.
This creates a situation that is upsetting and painful. It means that you're not living out what you want. You're not walking in your values. As a result, you feel inauthentic and bitter.
NO CREATES SPACE FOR OTHERS
It's tempting to think that everything must be done by you. But in reality, you can't handle every project and request that comes your way. When you try to do it all, you take opportunities from others.
Maybe a friend asks you to design her poster for her upcoming cafe opening. You're tempted to say yes, but then you think about another friend, who is getting started in graphic design and would absolutely love to do a project like this. Now, you can step in and say yes, and be stressed out and angry.
Or you can suggest the friend instead and let her stand in the spotlight. Not only will you have less to do, but she is going to be happier and your friend is going to be happier.
NO PROTECTS YOUR ENERGY
Women in today’s society are often encouraged to wear a “superhero” cape all the time. They’re expected to be everything to everyone and do it all with a smile and a good attitude.
But what you have to remember is that you have a limited flow of energy. This means that when you encounter things that will drain your energy, you need to stand up for yourself and firmly say, “I can't do this.”
Perhaps you could recommend another person for this task or suggest an alternative. You could also simply say, “No. This doesn't sound like a great fit for me right now.”
Keep in mind that just because you over commit does not mean you will magically gain the energy, the strength, the stamina, or the time you need to accomplish everything.
And, while we're on the topic of over committing….multitasking is a dirty word in my book. If I'm multitasking it means I have too much to do and I need to ask for help. There are studies that show that multitasking can reduce productivity by 20% and that you should limit your tasks to no more than two at a time (citation). Multitasking is not a superpower.
PTSD affects wives by gradually sliding them into a role where they are always “on watch” for the things that may trigger their partner. Despite the work you put into your responsibility as caretaker, you may be yelled at without knowing why, and you may start to feel unloved. Sound familiar? Take the quiz below to evaluate where you are emotionally and find resources.
NO ADDS MARGIN INTO YOUR DAYS
When you are constantly over committed, there is no margin in your life. For example, if you plan back-to-back meetings all day, with no margin, then by the time you hit the end of the day, you're hungry. You're stressed out. You’re feeling grumpy because you’re overworked.
But when you say no, you create that margin your mind and body desperately need. When you don't commit to every meeting or every project, you can show up and bring your best self, best energy, and best focus.
NO GIVES YOU CONFIDENCE
The reason so many women say yes is they want to be liked. But when you realize you can live without the approval and validation of others, it's entirely freeing.
Suddenly, your whole world opens up. You don't have to spend your evenings going to the book club if you hate the book club. You don't have to take every call from your cousin who just wants to complain about her ex-husband again. This isn't meant for you, Meg, I swear. You can call me late at night to complain all you want or just when you need to stay awake on the ride home from work.
You no longer have to work for everyone's approval. The moment that you realize this—the moment you realize that you can say no and still have people like you—you become liberated.
NO MAKES ROOM FOR SELF CARE
It’s common, especially in Western societies, for women to feel like they must always be busy and always be productive. This leaves you very little time or even no time for self-care most days. But when you say “no” to what doesn’t matter, you’re making room for self-care.
Your self-care can look like anything you want it to look like. Maybe self-care for you is spending one night a week at home to read a book in a bubble bath. Or perhaps it means that you have time to take your kids out for a walk after dinner every night. Maybe that makes you really happy and that's self-care for you.
As you say “no” more, embrace taking care of yourself. When you’re a priority, amazing things start happening. You show up to events and meetings feeling energized and excited to face the day. You greet challenges with enthusiasm, and you trust yourself to find the best possible solution.
And, think about this: As a mom of girls, it truly saddens me to watch my daughters do what I did, but of course they are…it's what I taught them. If you make time for self-care, you're teaching your children, especially your daughters, to make time for self-care, too, and you won't have to watch them grow up only to burn the candle at both ends.
NO GIVES YOU BACK CONTROL
Without a firm “no”, you can feel like your life is spiraling out of control. You feel like everyone else is making decisions for you. You're busy working on everyone else's priorities. You’re meeting their needs and yet you don't feel good about yourself.
Saying “no” gives you back that feeling of control. It reminds you that you are in in the driver's seat of your own life. You are picking and choosing what your priorities are and living according to your values.
NO MAKES ROOM FOR YES
When you say “no” to the wrong things, you get to say “yes” to the right things. You get to say yes to the things that excite you.
Yes, to the projects that energize you. And, yes, to the relationships that fulfill you. Yes, to the dreams and the goals that truly matter to you. And, yes, to the values that reflect who you are as a person.
At its core, saying “no” is about choosing what doesn’t matter and refusing to give it any more space in your life. When you do this, you have the freedom to say “yes” to the things that truly matter to you!