What will truly be the hardest days are yet to come.  My weight gain, in part, was a defense mechanism against future sexual assaults.  My rational brain knows that rape and sexual assault isn’t about sex, but rather about control, but my irrational brain tells me that if I’m undesirable, I’m safe.  This may be why it was so hard to lose three pounds.  And, this is why my therapist and I will have a lot of work to do as I start losing the weight.  I’m ready to take back control.

Here’s the thing though, the people who have wronged us, do so, and move on to their next conquests.  They’re not thinking about us anymore.  It doesn’t matter if they did it 35 years ago, 19 years ago, or last month.  Why? Because they don’t care about us.  If they did, they wouldn’t have wronged us in the first place.  Their time and energy aren’t spent on us, so why do we spend our time and energy on them? Thinking about them?  Crying? Dwelling on them and what they’ve done to us?

We would lie in his bed, watching TV and he’d fondle me.  I don’t know if he penetrated me.  I just don’t know.  But I do know there were times that he’d insist that I return the favor.  I remember what I think was the first time he unbuttoned his jeans and took my hand in his, pushing it under the waistband of his underwear, until it reached his coarse pubic hair.  My tiny fingers reached his penis.  It was warm down there.  I pulled my hand back.  He pushed it back down.  That’s the last thing I remember.