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I couldn’t breathe.  It didn’t make any sense until my therapist asked me a simple question that made me realize that finding my voice meant losing my breath.

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Laura Lee, 53, with invisible wounds and scars. I've learned to embrace PTSD and depression because if I don't own them, they'll own me.  I don't want to simply survive, but to thrive.  I hope you'll join me on my journey.  It's sure to be a bumpy road.

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I couldn’t breathe.  It didn’t make any sense until my therapist asked me a simple question that made me realize that finding my voice meant losing my breath.

Stepping on the scale. It was only three pounds.

What will truly be the hardest days are yet to come.  My weight gain, in part, was a defense mechanism against future sexual assaults.  My rational brain knows that rape and sexual assault isn’t about sex, but rather about control, but my irrational brain tells me that if I’m undesirable, I’m safe.  This may be why it was so hard to lose three pounds.  And, this is why my therapist and I will have a lot of work to do as I start losing the weight.  I’m ready to take back control.

“But Becky, I got away…”

That’s what I told her. 

I had been in therapy with her for years, discussing my childhood molestation and the sexual assault while serving in Pensacola and the and harassment that followed in the aftermath.  But this.  This I never told her. Because.  Well, because, I got away.

Here’s the thing though, the people who have wronged us, do so, and move on to their next conquests.  They’re not thinking about us anymore.  It doesn’t matter if they did it 35 years ago, 19 years ago, or last month.  Why? Because they don’t care about us.  If they did, they wouldn’t have wronged us in the first place.  Their time and energy aren’t spent on us, so why do we spend our time and energy on them? Thinking about them?  Crying? Dwelling on them and what they’ve done to us?

Popcorn almost destroyed my marriage.  Seriously, it did.  And, we’d only been married for a few short months.  We just celebrated our 32nd anniversary on June 5th, so you know what? Popcorn didn’t win!

We would lie in his bed, watching TV and he’d fondle me.  I don’t know if he penetrated me.  I just don’t know.  But I do know there were times that he’d insist that I return the favor.  I remember what I think was the first time he unbuttoned his jeans and took my hand in his, pushing it under the waistband of his underwear, until it reached his coarse pubic hair.  My tiny fingers reached his penis.  It was warm down there.  I pulled my hand back.  He pushed it back down.  That’s the last thing I remember.

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I was a victim advocate, and i was raped

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he tickled me

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POPcorn almost Destroyed my marriage
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follow @itsme.lauralee

Laura Lee, 52, with invisible wounds and scars.  I've learned to embrace PTSD and depression because if I don't own them, they'll own me.  I don't want to simply survive, but to thrive.  I hope you'll join me on my journey.  It's sure to be a bumpy road.

 TheBlog

Family

Personal Development

Service Dog

Business

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