He went on to talk about enforced curfews,  homework checks, no unsupervised parties, follow-through on consequences when the rules were broken. And, so much more.  He spoke of friends and friends of the family with children – some grown, who had no direction in life.  Who were having children  with no spouse and no job..  Who were still living at home, not going to school, working at Burger King.  Some were job hopping because they couldn’t keep one for longer than a few weeks or months because they had no discipline.  They had no work ethic.  They didn’t know what responsibility was.  They didn’t know what those things looked like. 

She called the meatwagon.  I was disappointed in myself.  I was beating up on myself.  I let her down.  I let Scott and the kids down.  I let my parents down.  I had to reconcile this somehow, but I didn’t know how to, until I decided that I’d try again in 2020.  In the meantime, I’d stay behind and support Pam.  If she decided she needed to be crewed I’d drive the car and meet her – as scary as that would be for me, I’d do it for her.

 I feel like I’ve spent seven months in the desert.  Away from the things that brought me structure, comfort, a sense of purpose.